Who am I is the prompt that I posted last week for The Blogging Lounge. The first prompt I shared as the new head of The Blogging Lounge, the former GBE2 group.
I have been going back and forth on what I wanted to do for the first prompt. I didn't really think it appropriate to start this group, without including myself in the prompts. But to be honest, I just haven't felt up to writing this past week, or the week prior. I was busy taking care of a sick parakeet, and then two of our female dogs are in heat. We still have one male who we have to neuter so staying hyper aware of where each is every day, grows exhausting.
Last Tuesday, my parakeet Jax passed away. I couldn't even bring myself to say it without crying, so I knew better than to try. Most people who haven't owned pets don't get the connection that pet owners share with their animals. Beyond that, I have always possessed a connection with animals that surpasses what most feel so when one of my pets dies--whether I've had it a few days, or more--it hits me really hard.
I didn't want to face anyone's questions about Jax. I didn't want to hear people tell me they were sorry. I didn't want to answer what happened, or deal with anything that would come from the mention of it. I honestly didn't even want to say it. I figured I would just move on, not say a word, then come back and be back to myself. I usually take time off at the end of the year to reevaluate my life, to decompress, whatever you want to call it. I just leave and then come back refreshed. I get away from all the people, go into my own little shell (head) and disappear for a while. It helps me to be the happy person I am.
But I swore that this year, I would embrace my vulnerability more. And this is one way how. If you've ever lost a pet, you'd know it hurts. I couldn't bring myself to stop crying for two days. Even now, thinking about him, and writing this, I am starting to cry all over again, but it's at least gotten better. I give my entire heart and soul to my pets so I'm not ashamed that it hurts me so deeply when I lose one. This is just who I am. I am connected to animals. Deeply. I always believe it has to do with my empathic side, which grows stronger as I get older.
That part of me is also why I prefer to be alone most of the time. Other emotions weigh me down and grow stressful and painful for me. I am a quiet and reserved person, just as much as I am an outgoing, energetic and bubbly person. My empathic side has grown so strong that even now, I can get a sense of who a person is online. So even after a while of interacting online, I need a break.
I could barely go into the backyard for those first few days after Jax passed. I buried Jax in the garden where I have my vegetables, in the corner that isn't used. I am turning that corner of the yard into a little sanctuary zone since I spend so much time in the backyard. I plan to move a lavender plant from the front yard to that corner as soon as the weather allows for it. I will plant it above the hole I placed Jax in so that plant will represent him in some ways.
His mate, Zeva, mourned him as well because it took her a few days to get back to her perky self. As much as I know she loved him, I think she's better off alone. The woman we adopted her from had left Zeva in a back room by herself. So I think being alone (except for humans) is something she enjoys. Her clownish personality is back and I haven't seen that side since we got Jax for her five years ago
Going back to the bits about reevaluating my life. My look back over the past year has been enlightening. At the beginning of the year, I told everyone that big changes were coming to my life, and I hoped they would stick around to see it. I created a new FB profile a few months prior to the end of the year, and then decided that I couldn't make a new life for myself, unless I changed my name. So I did. I created the life I wanted, and I am still busy building it with each stone of knowledge I gather, and forming the path that I want to walk, versus the path that anyone else has placed before me. I don't know where the path will take me, but I see a beautiful future ahead of me. A dream I will achieve.
What I have come to learn throughout this past year is that I want to help people. I want to build a brand under my name, and I will do it. I feel in my gut that 2014 is going to be a powerful year for me. Much more powerful for me than 2013 was. I've come a long way. Mostly it's been up. Losing Jax was hard, but to be honest, because I had to step back and focus all my time and energy on him, then step back from social sites to mourn him, my focus has become even sharper on what I want. I have had to say goodbye to a major person in my life as well because I realized that the person they wanted me to be, wasn't the person I was. Again, they wished in the end that I would change.
I won't.
It took me a long time to accept who I was and to live my life as that woman. I used to do that whole "live my life to please them" situation and funny thing? It never pleased anyone. If I was the constantly going out and hanging girl, I pissed people off; if I was the stay at home girl, I annoyed people. No matter what path I choose, I find many voicing how wrong it is, but . . . I just don't care. When you become used to people crapping on you, you learn to put up an umbrella, then go on about your day once they're done. I like being at home and I like tending the garden, having animals surround me. That's why I love to live with land surrounding me. And I like it that way. If people want to crap on my parade, go for it, but they're wasting their breath. I love my life. I am happy with my life. If I wasn't, I would change whatever it was that I wasn't happy about. I've learned to just live in each moment, and be grateful for every second I have. Whether someone else approves of my choices or not, doesn't matter to me.
As I said at the beginning of last year. My life is going to take a huge turn, but I know it's for the better, not worse. I don't like, or want, to sell people on how to fix their life. I want to live my life and learn how to better myself, so that I inspire others to do it for themselves. I want people to journey with me on learning and discovering all the wonderful things about this world we live in, not sell someone on how they can have a better life if they buy this and that.
I'll share more about what I hope to achieve in regard to my brand later on, and as I figure it out. For now, here are some of the things I want to change for myself.
I have been going back and forth on what I wanted to do for the first prompt. I didn't really think it appropriate to start this group, without including myself in the prompts. But to be honest, I just haven't felt up to writing this past week, or the week prior. I was busy taking care of a sick parakeet, and then two of our female dogs are in heat. We still have one male who we have to neuter so staying hyper aware of where each is every day, grows exhausting.
Last Tuesday, my parakeet Jax passed away. I couldn't even bring myself to say it without crying, so I knew better than to try. Most people who haven't owned pets don't get the connection that pet owners share with their animals. Beyond that, I have always possessed a connection with animals that surpasses what most feel so when one of my pets dies--whether I've had it a few days, or more--it hits me really hard.
I didn't want to face anyone's questions about Jax. I didn't want to hear people tell me they were sorry. I didn't want to answer what happened, or deal with anything that would come from the mention of it. I honestly didn't even want to say it. I figured I would just move on, not say a word, then come back and be back to myself. I usually take time off at the end of the year to reevaluate my life, to decompress, whatever you want to call it. I just leave and then come back refreshed. I get away from all the people, go into my own little shell (head) and disappear for a while. It helps me to be the happy person I am.
But I swore that this year, I would embrace my vulnerability more. And this is one way how. If you've ever lost a pet, you'd know it hurts. I couldn't bring myself to stop crying for two days. Even now, thinking about him, and writing this, I am starting to cry all over again, but it's at least gotten better. I give my entire heart and soul to my pets so I'm not ashamed that it hurts me so deeply when I lose one. This is just who I am. I am connected to animals. Deeply. I always believe it has to do with my empathic side, which grows stronger as I get older.
That part of me is also why I prefer to be alone most of the time. Other emotions weigh me down and grow stressful and painful for me. I am a quiet and reserved person, just as much as I am an outgoing, energetic and bubbly person. My empathic side has grown so strong that even now, I can get a sense of who a person is online. So even after a while of interacting online, I need a break.
I could barely go into the backyard for those first few days after Jax passed. I buried Jax in the garden where I have my vegetables, in the corner that isn't used. I am turning that corner of the yard into a little sanctuary zone since I spend so much time in the backyard. I plan to move a lavender plant from the front yard to that corner as soon as the weather allows for it. I will plant it above the hole I placed Jax in so that plant will represent him in some ways.
His mate, Zeva, mourned him as well because it took her a few days to get back to her perky self. As much as I know she loved him, I think she's better off alone. The woman we adopted her from had left Zeva in a back room by herself. So I think being alone (except for humans) is something she enjoys. Her clownish personality is back and I haven't seen that side since we got Jax for her five years ago
Going back to the bits about reevaluating my life. My look back over the past year has been enlightening. At the beginning of the year, I told everyone that big changes were coming to my life, and I hoped they would stick around to see it. I created a new FB profile a few months prior to the end of the year, and then decided that I couldn't make a new life for myself, unless I changed my name. So I did. I created the life I wanted, and I am still busy building it with each stone of knowledge I gather, and forming the path that I want to walk, versus the path that anyone else has placed before me. I don't know where the path will take me, but I see a beautiful future ahead of me. A dream I will achieve.
What I have come to learn throughout this past year is that I want to help people. I want to build a brand under my name, and I will do it. I feel in my gut that 2014 is going to be a powerful year for me. Much more powerful for me than 2013 was. I've come a long way. Mostly it's been up. Losing Jax was hard, but to be honest, because I had to step back and focus all my time and energy on him, then step back from social sites to mourn him, my focus has become even sharper on what I want. I have had to say goodbye to a major person in my life as well because I realized that the person they wanted me to be, wasn't the person I was. Again, they wished in the end that I would change.
I won't.
It took me a long time to accept who I was and to live my life as that woman. I used to do that whole "live my life to please them" situation and funny thing? It never pleased anyone. If I was the constantly going out and hanging girl, I pissed people off; if I was the stay at home girl, I annoyed people. No matter what path I choose, I find many voicing how wrong it is, but . . . I just don't care. When you become used to people crapping on you, you learn to put up an umbrella, then go on about your day once they're done. I like being at home and I like tending the garden, having animals surround me. That's why I love to live with land surrounding me. And I like it that way. If people want to crap on my parade, go for it, but they're wasting their breath. I love my life. I am happy with my life. If I wasn't, I would change whatever it was that I wasn't happy about. I've learned to just live in each moment, and be grateful for every second I have. Whether someone else approves of my choices or not, doesn't matter to me.
As I said at the beginning of last year. My life is going to take a huge turn, but I know it's for the better, not worse. I don't like, or want, to sell people on how to fix their life. I want to live my life and learn how to better myself, so that I inspire others to do it for themselves. I want people to journey with me on learning and discovering all the wonderful things about this world we live in, not sell someone on how they can have a better life if they buy this and that.
I'll share more about what I hope to achieve in regard to my brand later on, and as I figure it out. For now, here are some of the things I want to change for myself.
- Exercising for mental health over weight.
- This one I lacked on the past two years. When Kendra gave birth, I sacrificed a lot to raise the best puppies I could. They come from champion parents and I wanted to raise them as such. When we decided to keep them, then it became that they just took a lot of time, like any toddler may. Now that they are over 2, I have more free time, and want to get back into working out for myself. Because when you exercise, your mental state changes. You maintain this natural high that is really beneficial to your well-being. I love that feeling.
- Embracing my vulnerability.
- Being the "strong" one all my life, this hasn't been easy for me. Even this blog unnerves me. It's not that being open is hard for me, but being vulnerable is. More often than not in my life, when I opened myself up and expressed my vulnerable feeling side, because it's so deep, people tended to trample on my feelings, or make me believe that I was weak because I went through a sad moment. Or a hard moment. And those I've placed my trust and love in have hurt me deeply. So being vulnerable is something I'd like to embrace more.
- Embracing my feminine side as a whole.
- Being a tomboy, that side of me has been placed last. Now I'm not the type--never have been--who can be a big ol' girly girl. That doesn't mean I can't embrace my femininity as a whole. So I plan to. I used to love wearing skirts and dresses, then I got older and slowly quit. A small thing, but one that I hope to try and get back to, then progress from there.
The loss of beloved pets is always so hard but eventually you will recall the happy times. I think the same applies to reinventing yourself. Not easy, but once you come through the tunnel, you realise it has been worth it!
ReplyDeleteThis was quite a post. As I read: "I couldn't make a new life for myself, unless I changed my name. So I did. I created the life I wanted," and "It took me a long time to accept who I was and to live my life as that woman." I was struck by the different avenues of those statements. I really look forward to following you on your journey and seeing where these paths lead you. Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt post and condolences on your loss.
ReplyDeleteWell done, embracing vulnerability is no feat for the timid. It takes strength. Hugs for Jax, I know how painful it is to lose a furbaby.
ReplyDelete