Quest to find oneself

Last night I couldn't fall asleep because I began to think about things. Some years ago I had joined an interesting site and decided that I should write about what I'd been through. You may have heard of it.

MySpace? Sound at all familiar?

Well, anyhoo, I had joined there and found a new love of writing that I hadn't found from much else. Through the encouragement of my best friend, I decided that I would start to post my poetry, then I moved on to telling people the things I'd been through. Which, ended up practically being a lifesaver for me. It started the urge to pursue my writing career, which I was fortunate for, since I had never really felt a passion for anything before and once I started to post things for public consumption, I really loved it. Not just that, but people actually enjoyed reading what I posted. 

Imagine that!

My writing career was born.

Then came the few people who surround me, which still to this day, manage to criticize every move I make, and everything I do, to the point where I feel like I am unworthy of it. The accolades, the enjoyment, and pretty much every aspect of what I loved most: writing. My writing helped people and still does. I get those random people who tell me that they don't know how I do it, or that they love how I write: being completely open and honest. Saying here I am, take it or leave it. But that's the thing. It started about 2 years ago, where I slowly began to get criticized by these few individuals to the point where I started to place those same walls up (only virtually, and online) that I've had up in my day-to-day life, well, forever. The "I have to be strong" self took over, and the "I am vulnerable and here I am" got smashed down to the point where, as I lay in bed last night, I wondered... where did that person go? 

I am not like everyone else.

It's simply not a question of not thinking I am, or hoping that I'm not. Or people telling me I'm not like most people, or whatever else.

I mean... I'm not. 

Simple and to the point, I'm not like anyone else I know. 

I don't fit into a particular group. 

I don't follow the standards of this society.

I don't follow peer pressure to fit in to the point where I do things I later regret, or anything else. 

I'm just not like that. 

I'm not that person. 

I am pure of heart and soul, and coincidentally, I try to be of body, but well... I do love bad foods.

I don't even feel like I fit in with this century. My view of this world, through my eyes, isn't one where I go out and party, where I feel it important to fit in with the crowd and date, or rush out and do whatever anyone else wants me to do. I do my own thing and only hope that in some way, I can help others find their way, and help others to achieve something spectacular. But not in a self-defeating way either. I read so many books which say that to put others first means putting yourself last, or that you're a doormat. But I'm not, and I don't. I put myself first, and take care of myself, far before taking care of other people. I take the time to tell people "no" if something doesn't feel right, which ends up being a lot of the time, and I would rather step out of that line and say you know what? This isn't right for me, so you (99%) of the world, go do your own thing, and what they are, and I'll be here, trying to do something different, and hope that at the end of the day, I can stand looking at myself in the mirror. I know I couldn't if I did what others told me to do, that's for sure. 

The problem is, is the vulnerability. I have lost a lot of it. Well, maybe lost isn't the word, but I've been afraid of showing it more. I've been enclosing myself within this wall of strength--not that I think it's a bad thing, but I'm not being as open with writing as I had been. I have been talking about my writing, and I have been writing "stuff," but not what's in my head, other than fluff. Fluff is just not me. At least not in a continuous format. I don't like to be that way. I like to share things going on in my head, even if there is no reason for it. As I've found, a lot of what I post ends up helping other people to decide what to do in certain situations. 

Even coming down to my writing and how I promote it. I like being an open book. I've been reading far too many things which made me start thinking I needed to hold back, on top of hearing those couple of "influencers" if you will, constantly saying in their snarky tone, "why do you post this and that?" "You shouldn't do this and that." And you know, after the bazillionth time, you start thinking, maybe I shouldn't, or you find yourself not doing it anymore, despite the 90% other percent saying, "I love what you post," and "You helped me so much!" Etc. So I need to start doing that more, and again. 

I am on a quest to find that vulnerable side to myself again. I'm always an open book, but I've found that I don't post things like, "I feel incredibly sad," because I don't like the responders who end up babying me, or put me down and make me feel like I can't handle this or that, or I'm letting something get to me, which I shouldn't. No, if something is bothering me, I write, or vent, it out. If I'm angry, I express it (not in a bad manners way mind you, as I like to have manners), and if I'm sad I express it. But that doesn't mean that I can't handle what I'm going through, or five minutes later, I won't be back to myself. No, it just means that in that moment, I am angry, mad, sad, hopeful, excited, and then it passes. But I like to write the words down. Sometimes I get embarrassed over it and then delete something, or just no longer want to hear what people are saying about it and delete it because I don't like being babied, but that's just me. I don't always leave stuff up after it's served my purpose for those five minutes. 

I am strong, and I don't mind being so. I am a leader, and I don't always mind being so. But what I mind is feeling like I'm being censored... by myself. I've already learned that I am on this path by myself and have come to accept that. I have already accepted that I am an example to people, whether I entirely wanted it or not. I am coming to accept the fact that to truly achieve what I feel in my heart, I can achieve, that I may end up truly having to go it alone, but it's something I'm dealing with. But I want to find that girl in me, who writes more about what's in my mind. I write a lot. I have a lot to say. I started thinking that perhaps I can't maintain a blog AND pursue my writing career at the same time, but then in the back of my mind, I keep thinking, but I'm NOT THEM. How many times have I told people, I'm not them and don't compare me to anyone else? I hate that, but yet, I'm doing so because I'm not writing out what I'm thinking, or feeling. I'm following what others are saying to do, rather than following my heart. My heart, and my gut tells me one thing: write. Write what I want, when I want, where I want. That's how I will get to where I want to be. That's how I will become the person that I want to be.

So I'm going to. I'm on a quest to find myself. Even if that means defying all logic, and what has worked for others. But then again, isn't that what all those now "experts" did themselves? Found where their place was, and put themselves there. They worked at it, and they found their niche. Which wasn't what the ones before them wanted them to do. But it worked for them. If this doesn't work for me, then I'll quit and try something else, but that's the beauty of it. I can do that. I can change that. I can make that difference. 

It just first starts with believing I can do it and doing it. 

Even if by myself. 

Tootles!

Lots of warm hugs and love, free from me to you!