(GBE2: Blog On) Let go of the reins and you'll know freedom

This week's (4th) GBE2: Blog On topic is "Control." For more info head here

I admit it, I'm a type-A personality. It was a learned behavior.

I felt as though I needed to be in constant control of everything around me. I worked 3 jobs and went for weeks on occasion without a day off.

I still felt as though I wasn't doing enough. Not around the house, not with my friends, not for dating, not even for work. I just have always had this "I'm not doing enough" attitude instilled in me from a lot of the immediate people around me. So a lot of my behavior was ingrained so deep that I still suffer with that. I feel as though no matter what, I'm not doing enough, being the best I can be, and all of that great unhealthy attitude one should not have.

But I do.
And I know it's not good, but I still suffer with feeling inadequate because I am just not doing enough.

Which is wrong. It's just something that I suffer with. I admit to it. I admit too, that as many times as I hear from friends that I'm doing enough, that I'm good enough, that the feeling of greatness lasts, but then quickly fades off and I'm once more left with those thoughts where I wonder am I doing the best I can be? Am I doing enough? I do a ton of jobs but don't get paid for them so I am faced with that feeling of being stuck in the mindset sometimes where I think, then I'm not because I have nothing to show for it. Mostly instilled from 2 people close to me who I can't escape.

I KNOW I'm doing enough and doing the best anyone could, but still...

I understand it mostly stems from jealousy on their part, but because of it, I still suffer at times. The confidence I am known for sometimes is just not there and must be faked. Heavily.

I know right? What?!
You're not over-confident and bubbly 24/7?!
Nope.
Not in the least.

I'm just great at faking it!!
Wait... that doesn't sound right.

Movin on.

There are times that I have learned that by being in constant control, it actually adds to my feelings of not feeling good enough. I learned years ago when I developed stress-associated physical problems, like panic attacks, that it was because of that feeling where I thought I NEEDED to be in constant control. I must work, work, work, or I was nothing. Even if the work was just staying on top of laundry.

But it was an amazing thing for me when I went through that gorgeous breakdown. On the bright side (I always love finding the bright side. It's purdy there.) I learned an important lesson. I feel MORE confident and beautiful? When I let go.

Don't let go Jack... don't let go... ahem...

It's an amazing process to bottom out and lose all faith in yourself, friends, and even the world. You find out that you can still stand up, still walk, and with each step, you can walk away from the "once was" into the "now is" you. You find faith in yourself. I'm not talking God stuff here peeps, just "faith" in what it means.

I learned that when I finally let go and saw myself as the REAL me, and not this girl people saw (miss perfect sitting on the pedestal and better than everyone around her) and wanted me to be, that I was perfectly imperfect and I was allowed to be! That I felt DAMN good to be so.

Less makeup? Okay. No wearing makeup? Even better! Messy room for a day or more? Well okay... maybe not that one, but I let it get "semi" messy so gimme a break. House not always immaculate and actually smelling like... dogs? Gasp! Hey look, nobody cares. Still a workaholic that can't sit still however... hmms... Not always on-time, or remembering everything? Not always answering phone, picking up, being there? Friends won't hate you for it! Not being always the uber held together and "nice" girl? People love it!

[sings] Speak your mind and the rest will follow... Ahem... okay that credit goes to En Vogue there.

I finally learned control by letting go and realizing that it is OKAY to not always have it together, to be vulnerable, and to not know what the hell you're doing. I finally learned to stop being everyone else, or what they wanted me to be, and be myself.

Which is a pretty darned charming lady with a wicked smile and sparkling (i.e. seductive wink wink) eyes. [bats lashes]

I learned the freedom of letting go and even that it's okay to sit back and let someone else take the lead. Which is actually a pretty nice seat to have. I like the passenger seat. Allows me to harass the driver ;) Yes I'm a smart ass, I am aware of that. Sadly no man has fulfilled that threat of a spanking if I didn't quit. Huh.

So yes, the Goddess is here to admit that no, I haven't figured it out. I am not perfect, but damn if I'm not the most perfect woman on the planet who's the best at everything she does. And she loves to spoil those around her with whatever she can!!

I am doing the best I can and that's a good thing. I was meant to be something and I am achieving it. Even if that something is just a mom and wife, or just wife. Or not. I'm okay with whatever comes my way... as long as he's tall, sexy, dominating, perfect and... oh... nvm. Anything that comes my way, I can handle it, or not. Hmm... somewhere I lost my train of thought.

Hopping off the train before it crashes into another digressing thought process.

Come fly with me into the wild blue yonder!

Hugs and kisses and more to come!
Til next time!! :)